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Complicated Love

There is something I’ve wanted to get off my chest because it’s been bugging me for a while. As an individual, I am very ambitious, driven and career oriented. I am also someone who knows what they want to goes for it. Despite my achievements, success and confidence in my everyday life, there is something that I have always had trouble gaining confidence in. love and relationships.

I’ll be honest and say that I chose to get involved in organizations in school for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to make myself busy as I could because I didn’t want to think about certain events that happened during that time, and also I want to avoid thinking about love and dating. However, I never regretted my decision because of all the things I’ve learned and the people I’ve met. Now that my college career is drawing to a close, it’s becoming more apparent that I am unable to run away from these problems, and what’s worse is that I haven’t dealt with them either.

Then again, not all hope is lost. I have definitely learned a thing or two when it comes to men and the “scene.” Just like every college students, I too have had my fair share of adventures and have done crazy things in my youth, but because of past events that occurred, I have learned to detach myself from thinking that this person is special and that this means something to just living in the moment. This behavior is not uncommon in the gay community and especially in men, but I guess I too modeled this behavior since I did not want to face the fear of rejection. Now that I’m at an age where many transitions are happening, I have reflected on a lot of my actions and concluded that this is not who I want to be; don’t get me wrong, it was fun during that time period, but as we all get older, we change and aspire to be someone better.

Aside from past experiences, I feel that what bugs me the most is that when it comes to this particular subject, I am so indecisive. I am normally the type of person that I know what I want and I’m not afraid to go after it. This is true when it comes to jobs, organizations, internships and networking, but I guess not when it comes to dating. On top of that, I actually don’t know what I want in a guy. Sure everyone wants someone who is tall, has his priorities in check, can sustain himself, independent, confident, genuine, and treats you right, but it goes much deeper than that.

It was during a conversation with one of my bosses at work that I recognized that the things listed above is just the foundation; there is more about a person that needs to be taken into account. What about the physical attraction? What about the sexual chemistry? What about age? What about each person’s point in life? What about how they make you feel or how you want them to make you feel? Do I want this person to be Mr. right now or someone I can see myself with for a long time? All of these questions are up in the air and some I just don’t know what I want.

For me, physical attraction is a something that needs to be taken into account; my taste in men has definitely change throughout my life, but it’s just one of those things where it just hits you and don’t know why you are attracted to them, you just are. Sex is a huge chuck of a relationship and anyone who says differently is only kidding themselves. How sexually active do I want the relationship to be and what role do I want to play is something I haven’t pinpointed yet, but I guess that comes later in the relationship.

For me, age plays a huge factor. There are pros and cons about dating someone who is younger or older than you; It kind of ties into the different points in life because it’s really true. For the young, maturity plays a huge role as whether or not there is even a chance. Additionally, they might be in a point in their life where they just want to explore, have fun and are currently figuring themselves out. Plus they can’t go out and drink with you! For the older crowd, they have a more solid foundation, has a great career going for them and the confidence is high. However, what will bug me though is that I will not be at the same caliber as them, because again, different points in life.

I also am the type of person that does not like to be maintained and having my other half pay for things, rather I like to be in that position instead. The again, I have always been that type of person for everyone and It wouldn’t hurt to have someone take care of me for once. Knowing that I want to move and create a life outside of Arizona once I graduate, I don’t even know if I should try to find someone here or if I should just wait until I move. I guess the overall message of this rant is that I want a relationship, but I don’t know what I want from the relationship.

In the end, I know that things will work out for the better. I believe that there is a balance between things happen for a reason and that you have to make things happen If you want to move forward. In the past I have been the person who felt that having someone is needed and that my life would be complete if I had someone. Now, I feel that you yourself should be completed and having two people who are completed is much better than depending on the other. Aside from my view, what I do know is that I have to focus on my last year of college and ending things with a big bang. At the end of the day, a career and education will never leave you. When the time is right, things will come to fruition.


wow they really did adapt frozen well

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